The Crazies

I don’t know what’s with me and remakes lately

Synopsis

Okay so there’s this town right, and they’re the friendliest town on earth.
Until their water gets laced with some sort of biological weapon (I’ll just land this plane full of rabies like shit in this lake over here)
People start going crazy and it turns into total anarchy, everyones trying to kill everyone BUT WAIT! HERE COMES THE GOVERNMENT!
In an attempt to rescue the town they set up some sort of emergency clinic in the high school and just throw everyone with a fever in there.
Everyone else gets on a bus, kinda reminds me of a certain historical landmark doesn’t it?
Anyways, all the government workers get pulled out because this is hopeless, might as well just nuke the place.
Now the clocks ticking to get out alive.

The good

I really enjoyed the infected in this movie
They’re a lot like zombies but they can do everything a human can do, and they want to kill the shit out of everyone.
Good fucking luck.
They can even talk and shit.
And as far as remakes go this movie was pretty awesome, good gore, stayed pretty true to the original story, I rather enjoyed this one.

The WTF

All in all I don’t have much to say here
I was never bored, I enjoyed the acting and I love the way it was filmed

All in all I’d give it a
9.5 chainsaws out of 10
😀

The Collector

Whohoooo a new review!
😀

 

 

Synopsis;  

This guy’s working construction at this massive house, oh shit, the guys a jeweller and has a jewel that will save your family from loan sharks.
Better break in and grab that shit, picked the wrong ass night though because some dude just so happened to have  booby trapped the shit out of this house.
The traps are a little more deadly than the average haunted house.
So this poor lad is faced with the decision of stealing the jewel and leaving or saving the family (who is being gruesomely  tortured) .

The good

I have a lot of good things to say about this movie;
The directing was amazing, a lot of the small details made these impressions on you, one of my favourite parts was the scene with the three doors, just the positioning of the camera really captured his sense of fear of getting caught.
The traps were very satisfying as well.
They were very well thought out and well executed and not so far fetched that they’re unbelievable (One of the things that can really break a movie, especially in the style they used).
I LOVED THAT THE LEAD CHARACTER WASN’T A SHIT FOR BRAINS  Why is there some unwritten rule in horror movies that most of the lead character “has” to be some really lucky douchebag. This guy fought back at full force.

WTF

Okay, so one of the things that racked my brain the most; What would have happened if no one would have shown up? Sit there for an hour and call Dominos? It probably took a fuck ton of time to put this trap together, wouldn’t you want to make sure more than 2 people were going to show? Besides he wasn’T really letting them run around the house or anything.
Kinda seems like a lot of fucking work for nothing.
I was slightly disappointed with the scary side of it, there was lots of traps and shit but I never really got scared.
Just my opinion though, because my girlfriend was hiding behind me like half the movie.
Maybe I’m just missing something.
ALSO
If I was him I would have said fuck the kid.
She waited like 2 hours to tell you she was there.
Holy fuck that kid pissed me off more than the kid in The Road.

Either way I give the Collector
9 chainsaws out of 10

Todays review; Freddy vs. Jason

Okay, so I think I’m going to try to incorporate a little order in this.

Synopsis (aka what happened according to me);
So Freddy’s been forgotten about by all the kids he used to terrorize, so he needs to draw some attention to himself by manipulating our favourite cock blocker into doing his promoting for him in the real  world.
Lots of frisky teens die until they get into a head to head battle royal.

The good (Me gusta);
Katharine Isabelle, I don’t know why, but I’ve been all about the red heads recently (Patricia Quinn, please have my heart.), I FUCKING loved her in Ginger Snaps, I fucking loved her in this movie. Was that really her in the shower or a body double? Me gusta   (btw she was in the Lword? Whaaaaat)

I was very satisfied with the action, very expected, very wtf, that mattress scene gets me every time.
And I have to say, I was expecting Freddy to win (I have to say I’m more of a freddy fan than Jason. He’s hilarious and crafty) but I was content with the ending.

WTF;
Okay, so the whole time I was watching this movie I couldn’t stop wondering how Jason got to Ohio. Did he just walk there? Did he take public transit? Why did no one notice him coming into to the city?
I feel like throughout the whole movie Freddy had kind of accidentally released a bear into the middle of the town and it was more of a slight inconvenience to everyone when he did come around.
He just killed off everyone that was too busy drinking\having sex and doing drugs to run.
Make sure you can run faster than that group of really drunk girls and you’ll be okay.
Thanks to Friday the 13th I stay away from skinny dipping.

All in all I give Freddy vs. Jason a 6.5
It satisfied my jason and freddy slasher needs
But the acting was just horrible and by the end I really just wanted them to stop fucking around and for someone to die.

ps.
Freddy’s glove is sexy.

1st review! :D (blair witch project)

First (of hopefully many) reviews.

Soo, just sitting around, blazing, what do I wanna watch.
Oh I know…
The Blair Witch Project.

What a classic in not seeing shit horror.
Now don’t get me wrong, I have a huge soft spot in my heart for this movie, first time I saw it I lived in a house in the woods.
Pretty much shit my pants.

I love the idea behind this, and they really achieved that ‘this is a 100% real and were pretty much fucked’ look.
The beginning with the towns people is brilliant, and just entering the woods was awesome.
It’s a party, let toast up some shit over the fire, weird noises? Probably just fucking big foot or some shit.

I think the thing that gets me is that the scariest thing you see in the whole movie is some fucking stick people (not counting the fingers scene)
I mean everything else that was supposed to be scary was implied, every time they stated screaming and shit over some branches cracking, everyone would go fucking statue but there’s no actual noises being made.
They could have at least put some sticks in the tent to make some sort of makeshift witch sound effects.

It’s great too because we get to see their downfall into giving up and loosing their grip on reality.
But the last 2 days they were stuck in the woods they didn’t DO SHIT.
I’m pretty sure they didn’t even take down their tent.
No wonder she found you and you died, you might as well sit high up in the tree and yell profanities about her assumably horsey vagina.
You could really rile her up by cock slapping all her twig dolls too.
Also, if I’m stuck in the woods, and this magical house appears chalk full of broken windows and cries of pain and terror maybe you shouldn’t run up and down the stairs screaming like the cops are busting up your house party.
Your friends obviously dead, you found his body parts for fuck sakes.
She was obviously pissed off at him (or had the hots for him) she creamed all over his bag and shit.

To be honest, the only thing this movie was missing was a “better drink my own piss”
“Found a whole bunch of rock piles, better drink my own piss”

So all in all I give the blair witch project 7 chainsaws out of 10
And the only way it would be acceptable to remake this movie is with Bear Grylls

-bloo ❤

Antici…

Welcome to creature hour; I’m bloo!
What do I do? You might ask,
Well I watch horror movies… A lot of them.
Might as well review them and tickle some funny bones.

I do request too!
Want a movie reviewed? Let me know. 😉

Oh yeah
…
-Pation